I had a great pregnancy, I had a good relationship with my care provider, I read all the books and watched the videos (and my partner did as well). I had a birth plan and had a vision of how it would all go.

Then my water broke while I was in the shower and dark liquid came out. My midwife told me it was meconium and sent me to the hospital. Everything is a bit of a blur after that. I ended up getting transferred to a different hospital and had lots of care providers. Everyone was very kind and spent time to explain things to me but I couldn’t help but feel that I was in a dream – it was all surreal. In the end I was induced because my contractions never started. My baby’s heart rate dropped and I had an emergency c-section. Five days later I went home, with my baby and realized I had never given the doctors the plan I had in my bag. Everything seemed to move quickly even though there was a lot of waiting.

I have talked to my midwife and it was very helpful to get her perspective on events. I felt better after I had talked about my experience with someone knowledgeable. Ultimately I am so in love with my baby but I can’t help feeling like a bit of a failure and feeling disappointed that I did not get to experience the plans I had for birth. My family doctor told me I was grieving not having the “delivery of my dreams” and validated that it was okay to feel sad and upset about that. She suggested I see a counsellor to talk about my grief. I guess this sadness can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety so she wants me to see her again in a few weeks and gave me some tips on preventing this.

From a fellow mom